“GREEN” SENIORS FACE BURNING QUESTIONS

Environmentally-conscious senior citizens who have already purchased their cremation packages are now being told that their final exit will be a waste of precious fossil fuels.

After years of hearing about the ecological horrors of laminated caskets, cement vaults and those delicious formaldehyde embalming fluids, we are now informed that cremation too is an assault on the earth and a slow burn of our grandchildren’s future.

So what are we to do? Will the friendly funeral director accept a trade-in for one of those new natural-fiber shrouds or biodegradable recycled paper coffins? If so, where will we put them? We’ve already given our spots in the family burial plot to less-enlightened relatives. We no longer have those old homes with the dirt floor basements, smokehouses, and cold cellars that might accommodate a rather large biodegradable package. Besides, our descendents might object to having to step over grandma and grandpa to get to the smoked ham or the root vegetables.

And what if we live long enough to face several more changes in ecological awareness? The Fulton Theater allows unlimited exchanges for subscriber tickets, but will the funeral industry do the same? Maybe we can just cancel our subscriptions and pollute the earth by living forever, but those of us already on that long downhill slide toward oblivion may not be sure we want to prolong the process.

Since Willow Valley has already committed to being our final caregiver, perhaps they can extend that life-care contract just a bit. They are already strong advocates of recycling, so why not just prepare another, much larger, body-sized recycling bin. One large enough for multiple bodies would bring the concept of community cohesiveness to a whole new level, and the unending source of rich compost would be a boon to Willow Valley gardeners.

Take heed! "It is not enough to be a corpse anymore," said Thomas Lynch, an author, poet and Michigan funeral director. "Now, you have to be a politically correct corpse."

ON INSTALLING A NEW CORDLESS PHONE

We really didn’t think we needed to read a manual to install a new cordless telephone, but we did read the section entitled "For best Performance" and found this example of scintillating clarity and utter frustration:

"For maximum coverage and noise-free communications, place your base unit:

1.) At a convenient, high, and central location with no obstructions between the handset and base unit in an outdoor environment.

But . . . We live indoors. Does this include walls? If so, do we have to have both the base unit and the second phone in the same room? That's not why we have a handset, which we assume is the second phone.

2.) Away from electronic appliances such as TVs, radios, personal computers, wireless devices or other phones.

But . . . Now we know why they mentioned that “outdoor environment” above. How many of us have even one room devoid of such electronic devices. Our apartment is wireless to accommodate our three computers, two printers, a scanner and extra USB ports, plus four TVs, two radio/CD players, a charger for a digital camera, and another phone, among other digital toys and appliances.

3.) Avoid facing radio frequency transmitters, such as external antennas of mobile phone cell stations (Avoid putting the base unit on a bay window or near a window.)"

But . . . We read this one just as we were trying to figure out how to safely dangle the phones out the window, hook the ring into the stereo system so we could hear incoming calls, and then retrieve the receiver in time to actually answer them.

By this time we were dazed, confused and totally frustrated. After looking around every room in our apartment, we realized that we might have to give up most of our other “modern conveniences” if we want basic telephone service without cords tying us to a wall.

If a simple phone system is this complicated, how will we ever cope with the coming move to totally digital television as well as with other new technological mysteries? We are NOT looking forward to February 2009.

HAVING CRUMPLED THE REJECTION SLIP

RETAIL THERAPY & INVESTMENT PURCHASES

Many Willow Valley residents engage in retail therapy as a means of coping with the stresses of retirement living:

• Which doctor do I go to for this problem?

• Which of the numerous WV events should I sign up for this time?

• What if I just don’t feel like attending when the time comes?

• Do I really have to travel to all those family events, especially if the weather is bad?

• Should I dress up and risk the food in the dining room or just grab something from my own refrigerator?

• Etc., Etc., Etc.

To avoid coping with all these heavy issues, many of us just go shopping or, as we like to say, practice retail therapy. (This is as true of the male of the species as it is of females; we simply go to different stores.) Now, however, our friend Betty has made even our therapy a problem. She pointed out that those of us at a certain age should no longer be making what she calls “investment purchases,” that is, we must not invest in any object or article of clothing without being certain we will live long enough to reap the full value of the purchase. This requires that we weigh purchase price against longevity tables before we turn over the plastic. Those of us who are mathematically challenged may find this difficult, and we’re not sure we want to know the answer in any case. In fact, many of us have formal attire hanging in our closets or nifty gadgets moved with us from our previous homes purchased decades ago and would have to live at least another lifetime or two to get the full return on our investments. And that doesn’t even consider the adjustment for today’s inflation.

From now on, we may shop only in the dollar stores!